Have you ever felt betrayed? Most of us have had someone in our lives betray our trust. Someone that we loved and held in high regard did not live up to our hopes or expectations. They were unfaithful in guarding our deepest feelings.
Have you every betrayed anyone? Have you been the one to hurt your loved ones deepest feelings? Maybe you told a secret you were to keep close. Maybe you did not live up to the expectations of your loved ones.
I have been betrayed, but not in the traditional sense. You see, I have been betrayed by my own body. What is expected of my body, what I am supposed to be able to do as a woman, what I have dreamed of for myself will not happen for me. My body has disappointed the hopes and expectations I had for myself; I have been disloyal to the dreams I had as a young woman.
When you betray yourself, it is sometimes easy to hide. No one else has to know of your betrayal. No one else has to suffer the pain or embarrassment of not being able to live up to the expectations you have set for yourself. So, if you are like me you start to internalize: “Why am I unable to get pregnant? Maybe I would be a bad mother. I am a disappointment to my husband. Taking care of myself doesn’t really matter; my body doesn’t work anyway.”
I have said all of these things to myself. I have chewed on them and let them fester in my soul. The depth of my betrayal cut deep. If I am unable to be a mother, how would I define myself? I had dreamed of being a mother ever since I was a child, but my body would not allow that dream to come true.
How do you see past the betrayal? How do you not let that define your life? You must learn to love and trust yourself again. Just because you may not be able to do the things you dreamed for your life doesn’t mean you are a disappointment, it just means that there is something better waiting for you. The Lord takes care of his children. In Luke 11:11-13, the Bible speaks of God’s love for his children. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” We hold on to dreams that sometimes weren’t ours to dream. The Lord has greater things planned for our lives than we can even begin to imagine when we learn to put our hopes and trust in Him.
I have come to terms that I will never give birth to my children. I will have to become a mother in another way. I have started working on myself to become more physically and mentally healthy. Becoming a healthier person will allow me to enjoy my life in a deeper sense. I am still not sure of the path the Lord is leading me and my husband down, but I know that He will guide me all along the way and He will not fail us. I know God has plans for our lives that I cannot comprehend yet and am looking towards the bright future and not backwards. My husband gave me a journal a few years ago and on the front it said, “Don’t look back—you’re not going that way.” Such simple words that have such weight! Keep pressing forward; don’t look to the past. Our future is bright!
This week’s recipe is a hug in a bowl. Here in Alabama, we seems to be stuck in a rainy, cold weather pattern. It’s been like a merry-go-round of weather that we haven’t been able to stop. On those cold rainy nights, a big bowl of comforting soup will be sure to fill your family’s tummies. I hope you enjoy it as much as my family does.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:11