All God’s Dogs Going To Heaven

By: Jerry Barksdale

Doggone it! It finally happened. The country has gone to the dogs.

I’m not talking about the lying, corrupt, political class in Washington who take and squander our money and impose laws on us and exempt themselves. No, I’m referring to tail-flapping, loafing, car chasing biscuit eaters. Since the beginning of time, dogs have mooched on the generosity of humans. Now, they want to go to Heaven. Not Dog Heaven, mind you, but Baptist and Church of Christ Heaven.

Recently, I was listening to talk radio host, Matt Murphy, when a woman called and said God put dogs on Earth to teach us to love. (I thought Jesus came to do that, but I won’t be picky.) She said that dogs will go to heaven with their masters, and quoted scripture to back it up.

I like dogs as well as the next fellow, as long as they don’t chase me when I walk, or come over and poop in my yard. But I don’t want to spend eternity stepping over dog poop and listening to a pack of hounds barking all night long. That sounds more like hell to me. Heaven is supposed to be a place of tranquility and peace where a soul can escape that kind of annoyance.

I don’t dislike dogs – only those owned by others. When I was a kid, we owned 17 foxhounds, two bird dogs and a yard dog. The hounds lived inside a wire pen attached to the side of the barn that resembled a Japanese labor camp. The bird dogs slept under the house, and the yard dog slept on the front porch. They were fed cornbread every day-just like Mama fed us. That tasty Southern power food that makes our women smart, our men handsome, and our dogs fat.

The only good dog I know is Marley, my only granddoggy. She lives in Taos, New Mexico, with my daughter Shannon, and is the apple of my eye.

Okay, I admit I’m jealous of dogs. I’ve dated women who would rather stroke their dogs than me. How would that make you feel? I don’t approve of dogs’ well-known laziness (“he’s lazy every day”). They don’t work or pay taxes or join ObamaCare. I say, sic the IRS on them. Elvis took notice too. “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog and you ain’t no friend of mine.” If Elvis said it, it’s gotta be true.

The radio caller’s statement raises many questions in my mind. If the master goes to hell, will the dog automatically follow? Or, what if the master has led a saintly life and his dog has spent his days chasing cars and biting joggers? Will the bad dog get a free ride to Heaven on the master’s good record?

Will there be cars and cats to chase in Heaven? What about a leash law and dog pound? Who will pick up dog poop on the streets of gold? Unitarians would do it happily, but I doubt any of them will be present. I suggest Baptists. They are always doing good works, and no doubt would volunteer, provided they are fed plenty of fried chicken and potato salad.

Will dogs have to attend church on Earth in order to qualify for Heaven? If so, will they have to tithe and attend Sunday School too? Instead of St. Peter, will dogs be met at the Pearly Gates by a St. Bernard? Humans are the only form on Earth held to a strict moral code set forth in the Bible and similar writings. Why is that? Why can dogs fornicate with impunity, and humans be sent to hell for the same behavior? There has been a double standard for too long. If dogs are going to Heaven, they should have to stop fornicating, get a job, and walk the chalk line like the rest of us.

What about Muslim dogs? Will they get 72 whelps on arrival in Heaven? Hindus believe when they die, they will be reincarnated and come back in a different life form. Wouldn’t it be justice if a dog came back as a cat and is chased by a dog every day for eternity?

I hope to go to heaven when I die, but doggone it, I don’t want to be there with a pack of dogs scratching, licking their privates, and humping my leg. Anyway, I’m allergic to dog hair. I’m no Bible scholar, but I do know that dogs ate Jezebel. That’s enough evidence for me. There are exceptions. My sweet granddoggy, Marley deserves to go to Heaven, along with seeing eye dogs, drug sniffers, bomb dogs, and K-9s.

I’ll stay tuned to Talk Radio. No telling what I can learn. No doubt cats will soon be meowing for a place in Heaven pretty soon.
By: Jerry Barksdale